


“But that is why—”

by silurica



Series: Look to Love, Always [23]
Category: Fallen London | Echo Bazaar
Genre: M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Suicidal Thoughts, Woods in Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28317765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silurica/pseuds/silurica
Summary: At the sacred proving ground, the agent meets the person he desired to be with.At the false proving ground, the agent meets the worst person he can ask for his task.Now, what is the correct answer to this problem?
Series: Look to Love, Always [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068755





	“But that is why—”

Aleksei knows this place. This vast whiteness, contrasted by black bark. This is a dream which may not be a dream. He remembers: he ingested a certain pill from his superior before he went to sleep. Right. He steps forward. He ought to find what must be done in this woods.

* * *

Not too long ago, he hinted at a long held desire in a correspondence: he wishes to be stationed in the fallen city of London. He did not state his reason, but for anyone who knows his history, there was only one possibility.

He was aware this wish would not be granted easily, painfully so. Still, he worked hard for it. With each visit to the city, he would bring back more valuable, desirable information.

At last, he received a small package in his lodgings in Vienna. It contained a translucent pill, silvery liquid with a hint of emerald inside it. Alongside it was a short message: “Prove.”

* * *

The wind blows; a sharp coldness bites his uncovered skin. He shivers. The woods is just as barren and harsh as he remembers it, it’s almost nostalgic.

He knows this place. He has been here before. Once, in this imagined woods, he chased after and killed himself again and again. In another time, he chased after the shadow who taught him his art and put it to an end too. Each time, he would emerge from the woods as a new person, with a new fake name, new forged past, new uncertain future.

He continues walking through the snow, a single question in his mind: is there another way to solve this task?

* * *

“You are not a good spy, aren’t you?” That man said in a gentle dialect, almost like a song. His position as the head of the family isn’t just for show; if the rumours were right, this man has lived his whole life spying and spied on, all in a dutiful dance with death. It was no wonder he saw through the young agent.

After that, the man never said a word about the agent’s true identity anymore. It was the opposite: he invited the agent into his life with his words and actions. The agent learned more about the man, about the circumstances surrounding his succession, about his desire to bring change to his family and country, about the ‘Queen’ he fell in love with on the chessboard.

There was no telling which stories were true and which were false at first – feeding your enemy with false information is a tried-and-true tactic in the war of intelligence, after all. The agent raised his guard and continued to move carefully. Regardless, something about the man began to captivate him, and eventually a wish to return the man’s invitation grew.

Ah, he realised, but he had nowhere to invite the man to.

* * *

“Oh, Aleksei! Never expected to see you here.”

“Chizuru-han… why are you here?”

He thought he had found his target behind the veil of snow and wind. He had approached with the intent to kill, but this was not the person he expected. No, he should have expected this. He grimaces.

“I was looking for this little one since it couldn’t find its way home. I got too worried to sleep properly.” Chizuru answers. Within his cradle is a sorrow-spider the size of a cat, wrapped in a blanket.

That is just like him.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone, it’s dangerous,” says Aleksei. “Come on, I will walk you home.”

“You are right. Thank you, Aleksei.”

This is a dream. Please let this be no more than a dream. The last thing he would do willingly is to hurt the man by his side. Of course this ended up being the task. It should have been obvious. It must have been obvious to anyone but him. This is why he is—

“You are not a good spy, you know?” says Chizuru suddenly, his voice gentle as ever. “Why don’t you quit?”

Aleksei stares, dumbstruck. Did he read his mind? After composing himself again, he lets out a small laugh. “As if it was that easy.”

This should have been easy. There are only the two of them and a weakened sorrow-spider now. Chizuru keeps only one weapon on his person: a dagger hidden under the sleeve of his left arm, and the competence to use it. His fatal weakness is his lack of will to fight. Unfortunately for Aleksei, he can feel this very person draining away his will to fight as well.

Will it just end like this? With him unable to prove the worthiness of his wish? For now, the woods of black and white still seem vast and endless.

“You have a point, Chizuru-han,” says Aleksei, pocketing his freezing hands. “But unlike you, I don’t know anything beyond this trade.”

“I wonder.” Chizuru rushes a few steps ahead and turns around again. The wind blows, and he glows in the light reflected by snow. “Hey, aren’t you supposed to kill me?”

Aleksei sighs. “There you go speaking like that again…”

“You can’t fool me.” Chizuru says without taking his eye off Aleksei. “It’s a pale reflection, but this is still _that_ place. And I’m not a spy, but you are. There is only one reason why we are here.”

“Chizuru-han…”

“There is no need to waver. You have something you wish to see beyond this woods, don’t you? If it’s by your hand, I…”

“No,” says Aleksei with a wince. “That isn’t the answer. That isn’t it. Stop speaking like that.” His hand shivers as it grips on the folded knife in his pocket. “Please.”

Aleksei freezes in his place. If he killed Chizuru, he would lose his only human connection. If he killed himself, he would lose his current self. Either choice would cost him his chance to have a place to belong. What should he do now?

“Truly, you are not a good spy, Aleksei.” Before Aleksei noticed, Chizuru now stands right in front of him again. “But that is why I like you.” Those words, that voice, they are a lullaby to Aleksei’s ears, melting his uncertainties away.

Slowly, he brings out the folded knife from his pocket – it glints with cold light. Chizuru tilts his head as he watches. The knife falls from Aleksei’s hand, and it sinks and disappears into the snow.

“Is that your answer?” asks Chizuru.

Aleksei nods. “Sorry, we have to part ways here. But I swear I will go to your side, I will find another way.” He takes the man’s hand and declares, “So please wait for me.”

“Yes, I will,” answers Chizuru with a smile.

A harsh wind blows, once again raising the white veils in the woods. The two stand firmly as the black barks around them do. _It will not be easy, but we will meet again._

“Ah, by the way,” says Aleksei before he loses sight of the other man. “You aren’t a good spy either!”

Chizuru blinks, then laughs. “No, I’m not.”

_Yes, we certainly will._


End file.
